I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
