Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
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