I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
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I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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