i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
