College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
