how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I should be sponsored by Trojan
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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