I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
my shit smells like andre
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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