Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
