youre lurking in front of me
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
