i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
this boner is exhausting
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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