The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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