i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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