She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
His nipple licking is glorious
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