I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
