I'm pants shitting drunk right now
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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