He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
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She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
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Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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