Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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