I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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