addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
