She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
