i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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