I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
