Girls should come with a carfax report
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
