the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
