I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Randomize
