She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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