I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
