Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
