Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
