I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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