just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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