I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
ttyl tear gas
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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