i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
