i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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