I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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