next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
