And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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