is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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