I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
