so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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