WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
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You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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