I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
