I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
