Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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