I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
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Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
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Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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