Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
