I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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