I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
