he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
