There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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