I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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