ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
