Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
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stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
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The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.