sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
