and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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