im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
