I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
