He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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