I love black thongs
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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