When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
